Wanted: One Wife

    Every few months, for the past few years, I have a mid-life crisis. Actually, it’s more like a constant, self perpetuating state of mid-life crisis. A crisis of infinite mid-lives, if you will. Each time I emerge on the other side, I remain essentially unchanged. Then I had an epiphany. I wondered "If I changed what I am to better suit who I am, and no one notices, have I really changed at all?"

    This revelation floored me. The change I needed the most was to have an audience. If someone was there to notice how different and improved I had become, I would have a reason to improve. What I need is a wife. Hell, what I really need is a baby, but this isn’t about that and that’s a story for another time.

    Does any of that sound needy? Being too needy is one of those things I’m working on. I’d really love the chance to prove it to you, whenever you have the time.

    As invigorating as the process of self discovery can be, it was almost immediately replaced with the most colossal sense of despair. Finding a wife had been almost the only thing I wasn’t working on to change about myself. I’d grown apart from the world, away from other people. I had no idea anymore, if I ever did, on how to draw a fair maiden into my clutches. Or at least I didn‘t, until I was reading the paper yesterday and I saw exactly what I needed. I swear that God himself has intervened on my behalf.

    Chances are pretty good that you may have heard about this, too. It made all the papers, and I bet it was on TV, too. It seems that there is this non-profit project in the works called Inspiration Mars. Their goal is to send two people on a round trip voyage in a privately built spacecraft to the planet of Mars. The lucky couple won’t get to set foot on the red planet. Instead they will just look at it from orbit and return home.

    Many of the technical details have yet to be worked out. Some of the necessary spacecraft components don’t even exist yet. It doesn’t matter, though. Launch day isn’t until 2018. That’s lots of time to invent some rocket science stuff.

    One of the few established aspects of this ambitious project are the crew of the spaceship. The fine folks at Inspiration Mars are looking for one man and one woman. They say this has symbolic value as a representation of humanity. However, not just any old man and woman will do. They are looking for a married couple. This is because of the emotional support and understanding that comes from such a union. This will be useful because the lucky couple will be spending 501 days in a cramped rocket ship alone together.

    You can see how this is the chance I’ve been waiting for. I no longer need to figure out how to be interesting or funny. I don’t need to make excuses for my laziness or lack of ambition. I won’t have to lie about how my conspicuously asymmetrical features are the result of a childhood shark attack. All I have to do is find a woman who wants to go for a spaceship ride and the rest will take care of itself.

    This is the opportunity of a lifetime! Even if you have to spend it with me, and I’m not really so bad. I bet we end up spending a lot of time just talking, and if that’s the case, I’ve got great news! I have excellent listening skills. Also, I will be able to perform roughly half of the operation and maintenance of the spacecraft, assuming Inspiration Mars will be providing training in these areas. I will have to ask you to not be too harsh in your appraisal of my space-bedroom performance, at least in the beginning. I’ve never done it in zero gravity before.

    You may now find yourself intrigued at the prospect of becoming my wife. If so, please examine the following checklist and disqualify yourself as appropriate.

    Old: Disqualified
    Infirm: Disqualified
    Overweight: Disqualified
    Mental Illness: Flexible. Be specific.
    Substance Abuse: Not recommended, due to difficulty to re-supply.
    Ginger: Disqualified
    No desire to make Space-Baby: Disqualified

    I will require considerable time to myself for self-indulgent brooding. I have no doubt you will find it increasingly easy to grant me this, as the days go on. In addition, at least once, we should have sex while in the same spacesuit while outside of the spaceship. Just not right away.

    So there you have it. I believe I have made a strong a case for myself. The rest is up to you. The successful candidate will contact me here by leaving a comment. I’ll get back to you shortly.