Astonishing Tale

    As you’ll recall, Marvin was just about to storm out of Anonymous Consumers, but Mr. Books tried to stop him with the promise of a story. This is the story of that story.
   
    “I don’t want to hear any story.” Marvin sneered.

    “Well, if Marvin says he’s not interested, then I guess he’s not interested. Thanks for coming by.”

    “That‘s the first thing anybody's said that makes any sense.” Marvin said as he walked away.

    Sounds kind of like we’re not going to her that story after all, doesn’t it? That’s exactly what I thought at the time. I was disappointed. Since I’ve already told you that we do indeed get to hear the story, though, I won’t waste your time trying to build any suspense.

    “Living the dream.” called out Mr. Books, just as Marvin was reaching for the door. Marvin stopped and turned to face the old albino.

    “What did you say?”

    “You heard me. I said ‘Living the Dream‘. That’s of no interest to you? “

    “I wouldn’t call this…”

    “Do you know how often so many people dream about becoming a mystery shopper? It happens to everyone and it happens all the time. The difference between us and them is that they wish for it only briefly. Usually, it’s when they are on the receiving end of some bad service. Where is this wish when they are receiving good service?  It is the farthest thing from their mind. But just because everything turned out alright for you does not guarantee you are dining in a quality establishment. Sure, you’re enjoying a steak that’s done medium rare to perfection. But that pretty little lady, you know the one. She’s sitting out on the patio, laughing with her friends. You saw her on the way in,  and your gaze wandered over to her several times while you’re waiting for your table, even though, of course, she doesn’t look at you once. She’s drinking… a mojito, you think.”

    “By the time you slice off your third hunk of succulent T-Bone steak, you’re not thinking about her anymore, but you would have thought it exceptionally appropriate, if you recalled her flowing, golden locks, to know that she’s dining on angel hair pasta tonight. What neither of you can possibly know is that she’s about to swallow a dead rat’s anus. It was there the whole time, lurking in the dish, cloaked underneath the sauce and the noodles.”

    “You see, a rat crawled into a cooking pot and died without being discovered for quite some time. When the cook found it, it was so badly decomposed that it broke apart as he removed it. Bits and pieces got left behind. Did the cook leave them there on purpose? Who can say? All we know for sure is that bits and pieces got left in the pot. Including it’s anus. That’s the rat’s fucking asshole, Marvin, and right now it’s lodged in between that pretty young lady’s perfect teeth! And you know what? Now she’s tonguing it to knock it loose. Can you imagine it, Marvin? Flicking your tongue across a rat’s asshole?  36 years of marriage and never once did I toss a salad. Not for my wife and double definitely not for some dead rodent. These things, they live in the sewer, and survive on human excrement. Think about it! Their shit... Is our shit.”

    “Anyway, our poor little lady, she can tell something‘s not right. The shape, and the texture, it feels like nothing that should have been in her pasta. But she’s been drinking, and her guard is down. So when it comes loose, that’s when it happens. She swallows it and forgets about it almost immediately. And, you know, when she gets home tonight? Before she falls asleep to those sweet, sweet dreams of Brad Pitt again, she’s going look back over the evening and think about what a wonderful night out with the girls she had. And maybe she doesn’t ever get sick or even feel unwell, but that doesn’t change what the facts are.”

    “Is that something you can let happen just because it didn’t happen to you? Do you even care about that, Marvin? Is that something you can give a rat’s ass about? Because the cook gave a rat’s ass tonight, and it ended up in the stomach of Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer fucking Aniston! That’s right, from fucking ‘Friends‘, Marvin. Is that acceptable to you? That’s where we come in. That’s what we’re here for. Because it’s our job to stop it.  Now, if that sounds like too much responsibility for you, Marvin, if that sounds like too much honest, important, and hard, work, then, yeah, I guess you better keep walking right out that door. On the other hand, if you’re up to the challenge? If you’re in it for the long haul? In it for the good fight. If Marvin the boy is ready to give way to Marvin the man, then…”

    Marvin looked down to see his hand in Books’ hand. They shook slowly, and  Marvin’s anger seemed to have dissipated. Now he looked sad, and maybe a little confused.

    I think all of us were. Even the old ladies, who had so recently objected to Marvin’s colourful language, didn’t seem to notice Mr. Books’ frequent dippings into the profanity pool. All of us just stared.

    Mr. Books smiled broadly and gestured to an empty chair. Marvin’s chair. “We have a lot of work to do. Let‘s get started, shall we?” he said.

    “No.” said Marvin , ending their handshake and turning away.

    “But thanks anyway.” he said , waving from the doorway. Then he stepped through, and the door closed with an exceptional “clang” that it never had done so before, and has never done since.  In my mind, I heard that “clang” as “finality”. Marvin had not only exited the building, and but also our lives. 

    What do you say about a man like that? We hadn’t known him at all. That’s what made it so difficult. Every single person is a treasure. Do you merely just shrug with indifference when a diamond is stolen from you? I don’t. Not immediately, anyway.

    “Right. Let’s get down to business.” Said Books, after a moment. That was all the time we needed. We got down to it.