Out In the Field

A week of training has gone by. I’m not sure how much I should tell you about it. We’re not the Freemasons or anything, but when “mystery” is part of the job description, perhaps it‘s possible to say too much.

    It was Monday now, and I was so excited about going out on my first real mystery shopper expedition, I barely slept the night before. I arrived at work early and was surprised to see Andrea already there. I’d heard she was going out on her first mission that morning also, but she was erratic, unfocused, and, if you ask me, unreliable. She didn’t seem like the type to practice this kind of dedication. Perhaps there was more to her than I realised.

    “Wow, you’re here early.” I said.

    “I haven’t slept in almost two days.” she replied.

    Now I was annoyed. I didn’t like the idea that she might be more dedicated to the job than I was. So I lied to her and said I hadn’t slept in over two days.

    “Really? You do Speed, too? You don’t seem like the type.”

    I didn’t know how to respond to that. Fortunately, Geoff came long just then. That’s probably the only time anyone has ever described Geoff’s presence as “fortunate”.

    He had a smug, pudgy face. He wore yellow tinted glasses. He lived in his parent’s basement. He was also, aside from Mr. Books and Xenia, the only other already existing employee when we were hired.

    “Good morning, you mystery scholars! How we all doing today?” he said.

    That’s what he called us. Condescension oozed out of him.

    Then the echoing sound of the toilet flushing filled the office, and Mr. Books stepped out of the bathroom. He greeted us all and informed us that we would have company on our first ventures.

    “I’ll take Andrea.” offered Geoff, smiling at her. She just stared straight ahead, like she hadn’t heard anything.

    “I think I’ll go with Andrea, Geoff. I’m sure she will prosper greatly from my many years of experience, gentlemanly demeanour, and pleasant conversational abilities. You’ll go with Jamie.”

    “I guess we can put him through the meat grinder already.” said Geoff, glaring at me.

    An hour later, my very first mystery shop began! It was just a neighbourhood convenience store. As we got out of the car, I observed the parking lot was clean, and the garbage bins were not overflowing. Inside, a gigantic teenage boy and a old, bearded Irishman were manning the store. Both were exceptionally friendly and helpful. The store itself was well stocked and clean. The only complaint that I might have had was that it was too dark in there.

    Geoff spent the time slowly reading the tabloid headlines out loud and shaking his head at the celebrity antics. “That Lindsay Lohan. When will she learn?” he said. “ She was in Playboy last year. You know those pin up girls from the sixties and seventies? It was like that. They didn’t show you anything… They didn’t hardly show you anything.”

     Overall, I was quite satisfied with my shopping experience. I was also quite satisfied by the job experience. Not only did I want to do this job, but I was confident in my ability to do it well.

    “Let me tell you what you did wrong there.” Geoff said as soon as we got back in the car.

    “What? I thought it went great.” I said.

    “For starters, you told them you were a mystery shopper.”

    “I didn’t say that.”

    “You didn’t say it, but you still told them. Do you think they get many normal customers inspecting the undersides of shelves?”

    “I wanted to be thorough.”

    “Thorough is good. But so is being discreet. You tip them off like that, and we end up with a bunch of false positives. Do you really think that old guy is really that pleasant? Obviously not. He‘s Irish. Probably feeling real good about himself right now for pulling the wool over your eyes. Now you’ll write up your glowing review. And when the owner of that place reads it, and he‘s going to be just a little perplexed by it all. Because he knows that mean old drunk is a real bastard, he just can’t catch him in the act. That was our job, and you botched it, and it makes all of us look bad.”

    I couldn‘t argue with what he said. I dwelled on it until we arrived at our next destination. This time it was a popular family restaurant. As we pulled up, the first thing I saw was dried vomit on the sidewalk.

    “That’s going in your report.” said Geoff.

    It was lunch time, and the place was busy. We were told it would be a few minutes before a table was ready.

    “This is taking too long. Make a note of that.” said Geoff.

    When we were finally seated, a waitress appeared immediately with menus and took our drink order. When she was gone, Geoff inspected the seats and table.

    “Not bad, I guess.” he allowed.

    “Waitress was pretty fast.” I observed. Geoff shrugged.

    “Know what you’re going to have?” he asked. I told him that I did not.

    “It’s okay. You don‘t need to.”

    The waitress returned and Geff ordered for both of us. I was getting a double bacon cheeseburger, hold the bacon, double the cheese, with one patty removed and placed on the side under a pickle.

    “That’s not what I would have ordered.” I said.

    “You’re on the clock. After work, you go where you want and order what you want. Right now, you have a job to do.”

    Geoff stared at me for a long time while we waited, like he was trying to decide something. Then he spoke.

    “You know, Books is an old pro. But that’s just it. He’s old. Old school. You know? Here’s what I think. Hidden cameras. Put them in your hat. Nobody knows. But everything that happens is recorded. Video doesn’t lie. No disputing the facts.” he slurred.

    “He won’t do that?”

    “Too expensive, he says. Not that I’d trust those grandmas he hired to know how to use one. One of them went out on her own yesterday and shopped the same place three times because she forgot that she’d been there already.”

    “That really happened?” I asked.

    “No. But it will. Old ladies are like that. You, on the other hand, might get good at this one day. You could have a future. That’s a good quality in an employee. That’s something Nino values.”

    “Who’s Nino?”

    “The owner. Your boss. Books’ boss. He doesn’t come around too much. He’s got a lot of other things going on. But he’ll be by to meet the new crew. That’s when I’m going to run this camera idea by him. It’s a good idea. He’ll go for it, as long as Books doesn’t get in the way. So I’m just saying, the future of our company might just be shaping up here, and you might want to be on the right side of that. Books won’t be around forever.”

    Then the food arrived, and no more was said of the matter. I studied my plate, and found that it conformed exactly to Geoff’s specifications. Geoff rooted through his meal to find anything that had been done incorrectly. He sighed.

    “Just right. Wasn‘t expecting that.” he admitted. He seemed disappointed.

     “It did take a long time.” I offered, and he giggled.

    “You have potential.” he said, putting a fistful of fries in his mouth.

    I smiled to appear appreciative of his compliment, and looked outside. The dried vomit was right under our window. A bird stood nearby, looking at the barf. Mentally, I cried out at the bird to not eat the puke. It did.