Pie Eating Cougar Killed

    Residents of the small town of Big Lent can breath a little easier today, following an early morning announcement. The brazen cougar that has been terrorize locals and eating their pies will terrorize and eat no more, having been tracked and killed by local authorities.

    “I think my pie was the first to go,” says Gloria Baker. “I had just left it cooling on the windowsill. A delicious pear pie.”

    Gloria reported the missing dessert to local police. “There’s not much we can do in a situation like that.” says Sheriff Bobby Dick. “No witnesses, no evidence, nothing. We examined the crime scene and all we could determine was that a pie definitely was not present. We couldn’t even be sure there had ever been a pie, that’s how just plain gone it was. Gloria tells some tall tales sometimes, so you can‘t be too sure. Everyone knows there‘s no such thing as a pear pie.”

    “It’s no secret that this is a pie loving town. I wouldn’t be telling you that this is a pie loving town if it was a secret. And the fact is that once every six months or so, for more years than I can remember, a pie goes missing without a trace. We think that one of the logging truckers that pass through here is probably responsible. If anything had really happened, then it was probably that.”

    Within the week, eight other pies had also disappeared. Clearly, this was not the work of any truck driver passing through. Rumors began to fly, and consternation gripped the town. It wasn’t until one afternoon that Beatrice Gardener was tending the vegetables in her backyard that the true culprit was discovered. A massive cougar, lounging under the hedges not twenty feet away, enjoying the fruits of another ill-gotten gain.

    “It must have taken somebody‘s cherry pie. It’s jaws were stained red. It looked like blood. It was terrifying. What if it mistook my cat, or my grandson, for a pie? They wouldn’t stand a chance.” says Beatrice. “Then it looked right at me, but it wasn’t. It was looking right past me. It was looking at the grape pie in my window. I said ‘No way, go away’ and beat my shovel of the ground as fast and hard as I could. It just lay there, like I wasn’t even there, until it walked away.”

    “I was skeptical about what I was hearing at the time.” says conservation officer Preston King. “What occurs sometimes is that a smaller individual will be driven out of it’s natural hunting grounds by stronger cats, and these ones will invade civilized areas to prey on cats and dogs mostly. A cougar is not a pie eating animal. But any situation where you have a big predatory animal in close contact with humans is a serious situation, and has to be dealt with immediately.”

    Even knowing the conservation officer was on the case wasn’t enough to put some townsfolk’s minds at easy.

    “We were on our way to our friends' anniversary party. Of course I’d baked a couple of pies. A peach one and an orange one.” says Angela Placek. “ We’d heard the stories about the missing pies. Before I’d go to the car, my boyfriend went ahead of me with a flashlight, just to make sure it was safe. But when we got to the car, A spotlight goes on, aimed right at us. It was Preston King, at the end of our driveway. He was just sitting there in his truck, with that beard. Then after a long time he says ‘Cougar alert around here, folks. Keep your eye on the pie.’ and drives off. I didn’t even know he was a conservation officer. I thought he was just a crazy bushman. I don’t know if I would have been more scared if I’d seen the cougar there instead of Preston King.”

    Even with King working overtime, the big cat remained elusive, and weeks went by with pies continuing to vanish at an alarming rate. King finally caught up with the cougar at the Gas’N’Go. Acting quickly, he fired two shot into the beast, ending it’s reign of terror.

    “It really seemed to be going after the Hostess fruit pies, right next to the beef jerky.” says King. “I had my doubts about that from the very beginning but, when you have two peculiar phenomenon occurring simultaneously, I’m of a mind to think causation, not correlation.”

    Although life can now return to normal, memories linger. The effects the cougar has had on the community will still be felt for quite some time.

    “Pies cool on windowsills. That’s how it’s done.” says Gloria. “This used to be the kind of town where you could do that. Now? I don’t know anymore.”