If you’ve never been in love, let me try to paint a picture for you. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m probably not the best candidate for this. However, I am possessed by a sudden and intense desire to share how I feel. Not with just anyone. Not just with a close friend or personal confidant. That’s not enough. What I’m experiencing insists… Nay, demands, that I share this with everyone!
Imagine that there is this guy. His name is, I don’t know… Daniel. Daniel really likes Jesus. He’s heard all kinds of stories about Jesus from all kinds of people. Stories about how he saves your soul and fills you with his love. Stories about how he guides you towards a better and more fulfilling life. Stories about how, if you look back across the beach at your footprints in the sand, you’ll see his footprints beside yours. Daniel finds all this just so profoundly inspirational and uplifting, and rightfully so.
Now, I should point out that Daniel doesn’t know anything about the church or the Bible or anything like that. Which is important. Because it is only after he’s heard all these great stories that, somehow, he finally gets in his possession a copy of the New Testament.
Naturally, it blows Daniel’s mind. Here it is! All the Jesus! All the stories! But this is no collection of half remembered anecdotes told with no regard for theatricality or presentation. This is a professionally constructed piece of storytelling. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about the excellent adventures of the King of the Jews, brought to vivacious life in a way Daniel could have never imagined possible.
Like Daniel, I also have a Jesus. But my Jesus is called Kal-El. And I also have a New Testament, but mine is called “Man of Steel”.
Man of Steel, of course, is the new summer blockbuster smash hit that’s raking in the crowds and the dough. And it is altogether good and right that it does so, because the film is magic. Love filled magic.
As I recall, in the time before Man of Steel, there were some things that I liked. I do not remember what they were, nor do I wish to remember. This is the era of Man of Steel, and in this new era, those old things are no longer of consequence.
Back then, in ye olde tymes, I think I may have even been in love, once. But not with some other movie, this would have been with an actual person. Or at least, I thought I was in love with them. This was, of course, before Man of Steel came along to teach me what love truly is.
It's possible that she may have loved me, too. If memory serves correctly, she actually lost some weight just because of my constant nagging. I recollect one occasion where I observed her legs looking a lot thinner than they used to be.
Or maybe I have that backwards. I’m checking out my own legs right now, and they’re a lot more firm and toned than they have any reason to be. Also, I can see that I definitely shaved them recently, and I’m fairly certain I didn’t do that of my own volition.
In either case, whoever you were, I hope we shant meet again, for I doubt you shall relish my blank stare of non-comprehension as you try to cajole my memories of our past together. My heart belongs to another now, and my brain has not the capacity to spare for your lurid details of our sordid history. My advice to you, fair-ish maiden, would be “Go see Man of Steel, and forget me in as utter a fashion as you yourself have been forgotten”.
A scene from "Man of Steel"
What has Man of Steel got going on that it can not only fundamentally change the nature of a man, but change it for the better? Is “everything” too trite an answer? Then let me break it down for you.
Henry Cavill. This guy is the finest piece of ass on the planet. It would have been two planets, if Krypton hadn’t blown up. Listen. Dude can run around shirtless in my backyard until his heart’s content. When he gets bored of that, he can come inside through the backdoor, if you know what I mean.
The Cape. So flowing and luxurious and crimson. Just imagine the breeze lifting it up to gently brush against your cheek. Imagine it settling over you as you lay down to sleep. Never before will you have slept so soundly or secure than you will with it draped over you. I wouldn’t even hesitate to try and catch forty winks in Crime Alley under this thing.
General Zod. No more of the jejune balderdash that comes from riding on the coattails of the previously inevitable “Kneel before Zod” quippery. This time he is a tenacious man-bot with crazy eyes and too much sense of purpose. He may have a World Engine, but he himself is an engine of pathos. As riveting as he is tragic.
Faora-Ul. Pretty much the only thing that’s keeping me from "playing for the other team" at this point. I have never been attracted to a woman who didn’t thoroughly intimidate me first, and this one scores high on both accounts. Plus, the way she zips around, like she thinks she’s Wally West or something, makes me feel good about the future.
Everyone else and everything else. I tried to resist, but I couldn’t. It’s too true. I was even like “Hey, Jenny. We’ve never met before, but I totally accept you as your own person, and don’t think of you at all as some kind of affirmative action stand in for Jimmy Olsen. I really like your sweater OMG SHE’S TRAPPED IN THAT RUBBLE PERRY DON”T YOU DARE LEAVE HER TO DIE”.
I left the big one for last. Martha and Jonathan Kent. These people are made out of love, and all they do is give. As soon as they show up on the screen, I am reduced to a blubbering, tear soaked mess, as I am infused with the love radiating out of the kindly couple. Seriously, I haven’t cried this much since the last time I thought about what I’ve been doing with my life.
Even if you haven’t seen the movie, you might have seen it in the trailers, a part where Clark says “Can’t I just keep pretending I’m your son?”
That’s when I drown him out by shouting out those same words, so that when Pa Kent replies “You are my son”, he’s talking to me. Suddenly, Pa is my Dad, and it couldn't be more wonderful! Talk about trading up. No way I ever have to have this Dad arrested for stealing my bicycle or anything.
So there you have it. Out of five stars, I give it ten million stars. Ten million superstars!
Now go. Gooooooooo.
Go.
